The Psychiatric Diagnostic Statistical Manual states that losing a child is a catastrophic stressor unlike any other. No matter if you have one child or ten children the loss of a child is past devastating. There is no one word in the English language that can describe it anywhere near adequately. Although one child can and would never replace another, when you lose your only child you are faced with unique challenges and struggles. If you are a single parent that has lost your only child then the one and only reason for your world has been taken away. The loss of the child is no different than that of any other parent, it truly is the worst loss for all of us, however, as so many parents that have surviving children have said to me, their surviving children is what keeps them going and they are so thankful for them. Or a surviving grandchild of the child that was lost.
The following is from a book that my psychologist gave me to read called, "How To Go On Living When Someone Dies" by Therese A. Rando, PHD. She is a psychologist that specializes in loss and grief:
"When you lose an only child, your parental responsibilities end, as well as your parental gratifications. You must then contend with the total absence of your former identity as a parent. This is tremendously disorganizing, confusing, and demoralizing. There is intense damage to your sense of self. You wonder whether or not you can still call yourself a parent.
In addition, you may wonder to whom you will pass on your name and your heirlooms. There is no biological continuation of yourself and your immortality has been taken away. You will never be a grandparent. There are no other children for whom you can make a pretense of the holidays, or for whom your can force yourself to go on. Questions arise about who will take care of you and will come to you on the holidays.
As a parent who loses an only child, you face the same issues as any bereaved parent, but you must do so in a vacuum of the parental role that is taken away with the death of the one child you had. The death of your child exposes you to the most intense, complicated, and long-lasting grief known to humans."
"If you are a single parent, you face the incredible burden of making crucial decisions without input and support, and face major events by yourself. Usually there is no one to spell you from your responsibilities, share in your duties, or relieve you from your burdens. You alone are responsible for meeting work, financial, social, and household obligations -- and all while you are actively grieving.
Because you lack another adult with whom to share your grief, you often do not have a sufficient respite from it. Frequently there is a general lack of support for single parents. This is not to say that friends and family are not concerned. However, when you are alone in the middle of the night and need to be held of want to share the pain of grief, you may not have the options of a bereaved parent who is in a relationship with another adult who is available to her. Or you may not have the energy required to reach out. This particular isolation only increases the normal alienation felt by bereaved parents in general, and underscores the critical important need for special support systems.
As a single parent, you probably lack the person with whom you shared the pregnancy and at least some of the development of the child, as in the case in traditional marriages that survive. Consequently, you are at a relative deficit when it comes to sharing memories of your child. Also, because you are alone, if you are having difficulties coping it may be a while before you come to realize this, since there may not be others to provide you with sufficient feedback. For such reasons it is important for single bereaved parents to have the support of other and to avail themselves of self-help support groups for bereaved parents."
While I am acutely aware that if I had another child that he or she could never replace my child that died, nor would I ever want that, I often I wish I had another child here that I love as much as I love my child that died.
~Connie Beard, Matt's Mom, My Son, My World My Hero; TCF, Heart of Florida Chapter
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